Wait...

Last weekend, I made a "small" mistake which made a BIG impact in my current journey.

As HR, I would always feel bad when a staff quits in a middle of a problem or struggle.
I believe it is normal also to think that way. It is normal to find the quick fix of the problem.
And that quick fix is to quit, leading to a different path after.

Reflecting on my 2 years and 7 months in this current journey that I am in,
I know that the Lord is leading me to something that he has been planning.
As His struggling faithful servant (that I continuously strive to live by), I offered myself for the fulfillment of His plan.

I don't want to quit just because I am exhausted.
My God is bigger than the pain, and He will rescue me and He will find a way.

He said "No", and I humbly followed, even if it was very painful.
Self-denial. He is teaching me to become humble.
And because of my prideful nature, I am struggling.

But I believe my God is a faithful god. He is loving, He is merciful.
And He always keeps His promises.

I will forever cling onto that fact as I struggle in this current path.
For I know, the Holy Spirit reveals in my heart, my God has the best plans for me.

Father, I will wait.. Help me not to cry too much as I wait.
Help me to be genuinely joyful.
Guard my fragile heart.
Help me to focus on Your mercy.
Provide me the everyday graces that I need.

Take my lunch, for the fulfillment of Your plan.

Epaphras, the Servant of Christ Jesus

"Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. 

He is always wrestling in prayer for you, 

that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. 

I vouch for him that he is working hard for you and for those at Laodicea and Hierapolis."

- Colossians 4:12-13

Yesterday, I poured out my frustrations to my boss.

As HR, he considers me as someone who he can casually call to throw his tantrums.
This was our agreement to protect the people.
But yesterday was different, he did the favour for me, I throw the "shit" on him, and he listened.

Today, God answered me very clearly.

Pouring out all my emotions to others is never easy. Usually, I will feel good for a moment, but would feel bad for a very long time.
This year, I set up my resolve and one of it is to control my emotions and not to pour it all out to anyone but God. And I just broke that after the conversation with my boss.

The conversation was not bad, it was actually very good. But it was bothering me since last night.

Today, God talked to me very deeply.

Be like Epaphras.

There will be battles. A lot of battles.
Like Epaphras, we need to wrestle with the dark forces through prayers.
To fervently pray always. To offer all frustrations and worries up to Him.
Because the power of prayer is not on the one who says it, but on the one who listens to it.

The power of prayer is in God. In your faith in Him.

Trusting Him that He is in control.
So you continue to give your best as you pray for the people.
Not to give up, and continue to love His people, because they are His people, and He loves them.
Love them because you love Him.

Today, I want to remind myself of His strong message to me.
Continue to fight, Mae. Be like Epaphras, through Jesus. All for His greater glory.

I work for the Lord Jesus Christ

"I don't work for the company. 

I work for the Lord Jesus Christ. 

My friend, that is the difference."

- Pastor Peter Tanchi, CCF [x]

A year ago, I started running the recruitment process at the company. After 8-months of practicing HR responsibilities in the company, without proper training or college diploma related to the field, I got the power and responsibility on hiring new staff, giving work to people.

At first, it was terrifying. The responsibility can make a lot of difference both in the company, and the life of new hired employee. 

I received a lot of applications from different kinds of people, from different walks of life. There are those who are over qualified, those who sound so professional, those who are open to any position, and those who don't really know what they are applying to but were desperate to get any job that would fit them.

And it breaks my heart.

How ironic when I received resignation letters from a staff, when there are a lot of people looking for a job, trying their luck to be part of the company.

And I cannot just easily let all the applicants in, as I need to consider the company standards.

Being an HR is never a piece of cake.

Rather, it feels like you have to do all the dirty works at the background, so they can see that everything works well for the company and for the employees.

You have to work on the roots so your people can eat the fruits.

I was a staff before.

I know how it feels to question the management why things are not working good according to what I expect, in the staff perspective.

But now that I get the glimpse of what really is happening in the management side, I told myself, "You could have been more understanding, Mae. Think of solutions, take courage to propose, and assume responsibility in making things happen." Then maybe I did not have to complain before.

Working as an Application Developer was very fulfilling. Every time I finish a function, and see that it is working good, it feels like I achieved something.

Now that I am practicing HR more, it somehow gives me the exact opposite feeling.

A bug can be fixed, with few codes, you can solve system and people problems.

An issue, concern, complain... With mental, emotional, psychological and spiritual approach, can may be solved, but can always happen again with the same and new people. It can be frustrating.

This year, we have our biggest project, making ERP for the company. As still part of the IT Department, I am the application designer, tester, and trainer. In 3-months, we ambitiously pushed to make it happen. That was 3-months working in between fixing HR problems and restructuring Sales organization.

A month ago, Dec 2017, when I reached to a point that everything starts to sink in that we have 1 month left to push for ERP, I felt all different kinds of pressure. I told myself, "Let's just finish December. And it will get better."

Dec 2017 is done. January 2018 came. 
But it is not yet over. It is not yet better.

Fear. Anxiety. I have all that occupying my mind and heart right now.

Dec 30, I have my post-stress breakdown. ERP is not yet done and my body was shouting for rest. We ended 12:30 midnight, but here comes the Lord, asking me to serve him at church at 6:00 in the morning. I slept 01:00 midnight, and has to wake up 05:00 in the morning - and my body just wanted to collapse with the schedule. Just when I thought I could take the time of my life to have a good sleep after 3-months of pushing, but here comes the Lord, asking me to push more for Him.

I have to call my Mom to let her hear my cry because of exhaustion and God's challenge for me.

I never wanted to work like this. But His call reminds me to whom I am working for.

I know I have a lot of lacking. I have a lot more to improve. People will come and go. But working for Him is enough to go on.

I am in the point of my life when I don't know anymore if the company and the people are worth my efforts. But that does not really matter, the Lord is worth all of it.

So I will continue. I will go on. 

Despite all the uncertainties, God's love, mercy and faithfulness make it all certain. He has a purpose. He knows what I have been going through. He aches when I cry. He celebrates when I smile. I will never be alone in any way.

He will bring me to where I should be. He will always be there with me on my journey.

"Whatever you do, do it heartily as to the Lord, and not to man." - Colossians 3:23