Tired

People miss (or refuse) to realize that I have this habit of pushing them away from me (or keeping myself away from them).

Others would say it should not be like that.
Yet, they do not know that I don't want to be like this too.

Others would say I should forgive.
Yet, they do not know that I am craving for forgiveness too.

It is very easy to say because they never really knew how it feels to be myself. They will never know because I don't let anyone know. Because every time I break ome brick of my wall, the world will only make me feel that it is not okay for me to be not okay.

And I am tired.

Fucking tired of convincing myself to act okay because the world has no time for my shit.

It's okay to feel tired right Father?

Sigh.

"Please Bear with Me"

Dear Child,
 

As I get older, please be patient with me. 

When I drop things or make a mess of my food, I hope you don’t shout at me or scold me. Please bear with me. 

When my eyesight dims and I stumble along my way, or when my hearing gets really bad and I can’t hear what you say, please bear with me. 

When these embarrassing and difficult times come, if you could just hold my hand and tell me that you understand… I’m sorry child, I’m getting older. Please bear with me. 

When my feet get crooked and my knees get weaker, when I fumble in my steps and I walk slower, I hope you remember the time when I taught you how to walk. Please bear with me. 

When I keep repeating my stories to you, sometimes four or five times a day, just smile and pretend I said it the first time. Because to my failing memory, it’s really the first time I’m saying it to you. Just remember how you repeated yourself as a child. Remember how many times you asked, “Are we there yet?” every time we took a trip. Or how many times you asked, “Mommy, can you buy me this toy?” whenever we were in a toy store? Please bear with me. 

When I don’t smell so nice, when I smell like an old person, please be patient with me. When you smell something not too good from me, I hope you remember that when you were small, you used to sweat and smell too. But I loved it because it was part of your growing up. Well, my smells are part of my growing old. Please bear with me. 

When I get cranky or get sensitive, or when I get sentimental and moody, or when I get pushy and demanding, all these are all part of getting old. You’ll understand when you get older. Please bear with me. 

When you have time, I hope you visit me. Talk with me for a few minutes. I’m always all by myself and have no one to talk to. I know you’re busy with work but your work will always be with you, even after I’m gone. I won’t be here forever. Please bear with me. 

Even if you’re not interested in my stories, please pretend you are. Do you remember when I used to listen to your stories about your toys, your imaginary friends, and the cartoons you watched? Those things weren’t very interesting to me, but because they were important to you, they were important to me too. I ask you to please bear with me. 

When the time comes when I get sick and bedridden, I hope you visit me. I’m sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or make a mess. I hope you stay with me during the last few moments of my life. I’m not going to last much longer anyway. Please bear with me. 

I pray for you every day. When I finally meet God, I will continue to mention your name to Him. 

I love you. 
We love you. 
Please bear with me. 

Eternally, 
Mom and Dad 

Source: shepherdsvoice.com

Keep Walking ~

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.

When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. 

“It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. 

But Jesus immediately said to them:

“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 

“Come,” he said. 

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 

“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” 

- Matthew 14:25-31

'Little' faith means immature faith. Faith, to be mature, must be tempered with courage, also known as fortitude. Courage only is manifested in the face of danger. If there is no danger, no threat, no trial, then there is no possibility of courage. Mature faith means believing more in what you can’t see than in the terrifying things you can see. It means keeping the eyes of your heart fixed on the master of the wind and waves even as you feel the spray in your face. 

The most frequently repeated phrase in the gospels is 'Do not be afraid!' The Lord is not speaking to our emotions here, since you can't command emotions. He is speaking to our will. We must make a conscious decision not to allow fear to paralyze us. Peter sank because he stopped walking. 

Faith means to keep walking even when your knees are knocking. [x]

Like Peter, I asked the Lord to "call" me. I am a little faith with a big ambition to walk on the water as what Jesus did. With that faith, I believe that He brought me to where I am for the fulfillment of His will.

Now, I am here.

... and it's been a year.

I took my foot from the boat, believing that I can walk on the water towards Jesus. As I continue to walk, waves get stronger. A lot of frustrations and provoking situations - anger, disappointments, anxiety, pride - that almost let me want to get drowned. But all was defeated and enveloped by His love.

Like Peter, I want to walk towards God.
Like Peter, not everyone will walk with me.
Like Peter, my body will defeat my spirit.
Like Peter, I will sink.

And like Peter, God will rescue me.

Continuing to pray for the gift of faith, everyday.
Let's keep walking~ (even with wobbling knees) ☺♥

Be Hungry

Source

You can be hungry for fame, money, success, beauty, and all sorts of worldly things. But you can also be hungry for God's will to be done - hungry to do good. 

When you look at the needs around you (or even within you), your spiritual stomach might start to growl, helping you focus on the God who feeds us in every way imaginable (Psalm 146:7). That's the good kind of hunger! 

 [...]

Making a difference in the world is a marathon, not a sprint. We sometimes have to realize that all great things take time. The longer you continue, the more of an impact you will have. 

FOCUS YOUR HUNGER 

Don't let your craving for results sideline or confuse you. Sure it would be easier to leave the road or look for a shortcut, but it's worth it to keep pounding the pavement (or the desert, as the case may be). Though hunger could lead you to leave the path, it could lead you to stay too. 

The faith of those five thousand-plus people following Jesus was really amazing. They waited it out. Something drove them to see what was at the end of the road. Maybe they needed to be healed, maybe they needed hope, or maybe they knew they might see something incredible happen. They stayed because their hearts were hungry. 

Do we stay for that reason? It is much easier for us to leave the road in search of a quick fix. But that would be like giving up a secret weapon. There's a trick to turning a lack of results into fuel for your mission. How? When you start to get frustrated because you're not seeing things happen, weed and water. Plan and pray. Strategize and ask for support. And continue to dream. 

Keep your mind on those veggies. Or that deep-dish pizza. Or that school in Africa. Wait if you have to. And always keep your prayer on. That stalling may just mean that your results will be bigger than you expected. Start to realize that a miracle might be just around the corner. If you give up, you might miss the feeding of the multitudes with your lunch. Remember that food-seeking missile you become when you haven't eaten all day? It's powerful. It's focused. And it can be used for a mission. 

- Live to Give, Austin Gutwein 

Lately, it has been really tough.

"Do You really want me to do this? Is this really according to Your will? Do I really have to go this far? Is it really worth it?"

In the past months, I saw how God's grace made things happen. It's overwhelming and how I wished everyone saw it too.

But then, for every victory that came, there was always a "price to pay". A part of the walking multitudes chose to look for a different veggies, a different pizza, a different school in Africa. People are hungry for different things. And sometimes, we may crave for the same results, but we differ on the path that we take. Some chose a different road, some chose a shortcut, some chose to keep pounding the pavement.

In spite of all that, I praise God for letting me realize such things.

He wants me to do this; but not all will be there to do this with me.
But He will stay with me always.
This is according to His will; even if others find it absurd.
Because from the start, He made it clear why I am here.
I have to go this far and continue; though some may leave and stop.
But He will continue to walk with me.
And yes, it is worth it; even if it gets frustrating.
Because He is worth all of it.

When things get really tough and frustrating, the only way to be able to go on is to pray. And keep your focus on the kind of hunger that gives glory to God.

Reminding myself again... Colossians 3:23.

Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to man.

Be hungry. To God be the glory. ♥ 

For the Lord ♥

Three (3) weeks have just passed and a lot of things happened.
Things have abruptly changed.

Week 1. It's not about me. It's about Him.

I almost got depressed.

Depression almost got me again but God was there, has always been there, to pick me up.

He provides angels in the form of loving family and friends. Angels who understood and gave respect, despite the silence and cold treatment. Angels who did not cease to intercede, for me to be freed up from the imprisonment of my dreadful thoughts and emotions. Angels who became the instruments for me to feel His great love and mercy in spite of my imperfections.

Depression can possibly get me again, regardless of where I am and who I am with. Depression can possibly imprison me again, if I intensely entertain my emotions and let myself enslaved.

Depression can possibly win, if God does not love me.

But God loves me so much. And I am certain that when depression tries to haunt me again, I am still gonna win. I will come out victorious. God's love and mercy will make me win.

Week 2.  It's not from me. It's from Him.

I received the mission's go signal.

At first I was hesitant and I thought that I need time. But God pushed me and I realized the mission's urgency. I was in panic as I was not ready.

But God sustains.

He gave me the graces that I need to fulfill His will and to carry on with His plans. It was like I was performing the mission but I was not the one who was actually doing it. God was all doing it.

But I was crushed during the process. It was painful to see that even if the mission has been carried on, not everyone was convinced to sail with me. Not everyone understands that it's gonna be okay. Not everyone wants to stay.

But God let me understand instead. He showed me that He has the best plans for everyone. He let me realize that He loves each and every soul. Even if it hurts, it has to happen. But there's nothing to worry because He can make even the deepest hurts into something great.

"Do your best and God will do the rest." He did not want me to worry. He told me to do what I have to do. And He continues to surprise me with His plans, letting me realize His great power and love.

Week 3. It's not for me. It's for Him.

I could not contain the overflowing gifts.

I don't know how to explain it. I don't think words are enough to describe everything.

But it all started with the thought from the Holy Spirit:
I can offer my sufferings and triumphs to God, as a form of worship, for the fulfillment of His purpose. My whole life is for the Lord.

From then on, I start to experience genuine joy. If I suffer, my struggles can be an offering to God, as I give my trust to Jesus who carries my cross with me, to fulfill God's purpose. If I triumph, all glory and praise will be lifted up to God as I rejoice with humility, for every victory is achieved by God's grace through the gifts of the Holy Spirit who lives within me, all for the fulfillment of His purpose.

In 3 weeks, things have amazingly changed.
And, still in progress...

It's not about me. It's about Him.

It's not from me. It's from Him.

It's not for me. It's for Him.

#ForTheLord

To God be the glory. 

♥

God heals all wounds --- sharing His wonderful gift of healing.

Around April 2014, I had a fever.

My body is blessed with an immune system that works full time. I rarely get sick. Because of that, that fever made me think that it was something.

But it was sudden and quick. The fever disappeared the day after with just one capsule of Bioflu and the care of my roommate.

When I realized that I no longer have a fever, I still felt like something's wrong. My arm felt heavy.

Days later, I noticed a lump in my left armpit.

It was not new. I had those before, not just once. It was not an issue as it would disappear on its own.

Weeks later, that lump was still there. It was not usual as it should be gone already in maybe a week, just like the small lumps that I had before. But that lump seemed to be not really the usual.

It got bigger. It stung when my sleeve touched it or even when my own armpit was down. It ached when I exert force on my left hand. It got swollen and went really big that I would no longer be able to put down my armpit as it would hurt if I do so. It almost occupied 3/4 of my armpit.

I am a web developer. I use my hands to code. It was very inconvenient as I had to position my left hand in such a way that my left arm would not move as I code. And if I needed to stand up, I would always stroke my hair just to keep it less awkward as I couldn't put my arm down.

I got alarmed and told Mama about it. She was worried as she was not with me and couldn't check my real condition. She told me to take medicines, and so I did.

After 7 days of religiously taking my meds, the lump got smaller.

But it was still there.

I don't like taking medicines as I am concerned of my liver and besides, it's very costly. And so I just waited. I waited for the lump to get even smaller.

And it did!

June 2014, the lump came back. As expected.

I knew it would grow again as I felt like it was still there. Yes it went smaller but I knew it was still there.

Again, I took my medicines. I was self-medicating as I don't like to go to the doctor. Mama was not with me and besides, doctors and hospitals are not part of my healing remedies. My immune system never failed me once. After the 7-day self-medication, the lump was no longer visible!

But then again, I knew, it was still there.

August 2014, I received a signal. I went for a checkup as the lump came back for the third time. My doctor explained to me the real situation.

It was normal. Girls usually experience it. The lump was due to the hair follicle that got infected because of plucking.

That was a BIG relief.

I followed the prescriptions of my doctor. A week after, I went back for another checkup. He gave me additional medicines as the lump was still there. After taking another sets of medicines, I went back again for the final assessment. My doctor said I was fine, the lump was gone. BUT... He advised me to undergo an operation to avoid the lump to reoccur.

And that scared me.

Mama was not with me. I was alone. I was away from home. My doctor said that I should be back in a month or when I am ready. I will never be. I will not come back. I told myself that.

October 2014, I thought it would come back.  I was scared as I realized the pattern. April... June... August... But it didn't come back!

December 2014, it was haunting me again. It came back for the fourth time.

I told myself before not to go back to the doctor. I was scared. I was alone and scared. I went back to my self medication. After taking my meds for a week, the lump was still there. It didn't even get smaller.

I was too scared.

Right then my eyes caught the 1-liter bottle of holy water from the Divine Mercy Shrine.

I was reminded of my faith.... And how I actually dealt with the lump in my armpit.

All those times, when I went over a series of medications, I was gulping down the tablets and capsules thinking that I would be healed if I don't skip taking all my meds in 7 days. I was thinking that the tablets and capsules will shrink down that stubborn lump. I was thinking that I only need to watch over the time to take my meds on time. I was thinking that I only need to avoid straining my arm to keep it from getting worse. I was thinking that I only need to be more responsible of myself.

But I was totally wrong.

I forgot that God is my only healer. I forgot that my doctor was His instrument to give me the right medication. I forgot that the tablets and capsules were just means for my healing. I forgot that if I believe that I would be healed, God will heal me. I forgot that God was with me and I was never alone all those times. I forgot that I should never be scared. I forgot that God loves me, so much.

I took the holy water and wiped it in my armpit as I asked forgiveness and prayed for God's healing through the body and blood of Christ. I asked God to heal me and I claimed that I will be healed.

The day after, in an instant, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I received God's healing miracle ♥

The lump shrunk! The swelling was gone! Instantly!!

From that day, I continued to wipe the holy water in my armpit as I prayed for a complete healing. I knew the lump was still there but I was already thinking differently. I believed that God will heal me completely.

I called Mama to tell her the good news. I cried over the phone as I share my testimony. I have never experienced such miracle before and I was so overwhelmed since I didn't have anyone to share it with. I feel so imperfect and I find myself unworthy to talk about God to people. I rarely share my beliefs as I am afraid that people might see God in a negative way because of me. But the healing miracle was so overwhelming and so I was able to share it to Mama, to 3 close friends, and to a group of 6 strangers during a fellowship.

Months of carrying the overwhelming experience of God's healing miracle, I felt so blessed and loved.

July 2015... All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I was caught off guard, the lump came back.

I was confused. I was even more scared. I was ashamed. I got disappointed. I got frustrated I got angry.

I cried. I talked to Him. I argued with Him. I cried as I was talking to Him. I cried as I was arguing with Him.

I didn't understand Him. I was ashamed as I already told people about the miracle. I was scared that people would question my faith. I was scared that people would question Him because of me. I was angry as I know that He knows me well and my weakness. But He hit me right on that very spot. I was angry as He allowed it to happen even if He knows that I would be very devastated.

I cried. I cried. I cried my heart out to Him.

As I type these words, I am still overwhelmed of God's love, mercy and grace. As I remember the message that He wanted to tell me, I am asking the Holy Spirit that you who is reading this post may be able to feel His perfect love for you as well.

After that night, when I had an argument with Him, as I woke up in the morning, God blessed me with another healing miracle. The lump was gone.

He wanted to tell me that HE IS MY HEALER, He is Your Healer, He is Our Healer. That whatever you are going through right now --- physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually --- He loves you and He will heal you.

During the time when I received the first healing miracle, a second thought actually came into my mind weeks after that. I realized that I actually took my meds for 7 days before the miracle happened. The thought was actually trying to tell me that it may not have been a miracle, it's probably just a delay in terms of my body's reaction to the medicines that I took before that. But it was Satan trying to question God's healing power. And the second healing miracle put a period into that second thought. God's love and mercy shut the devil's temptation.

I feel horrible as I was not cautious of the devil's whisper. But God is so loving and merciful. He knows that I am weak and He understands that I am fragile. He gave me another miracle to clearly tell me that He is My God, My Lord and Savior, My Redeemer, My Healer.

Today, as I type these words, my armpit is fine. I don't know if the lump will come back. But this time, I am certain, I will be healed again. ♥

Praying for everyone to receive the complete healing physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually; in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

"...And a woman who had been suffering from a hemorrhage for twelve years, came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak; for she was saying to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will get well." But Jesus turning and seeing her said, "Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well." At once the woman was made well.." 

- Matthew 9:20-22

***

Created this post on the 30th of December 2015 but never published it. My weak self was again taking over. But yesterday's news about Janice gives me a strong message. It hurts me that I have to know that she has been suffering when it was too late. When I can no longer do something but pray for her soul. 

Taking courage before it's too late for the rest of those who are in need. Happy new year everyone! Wishing you all a healthier 2016 in body, soul and spirit! ♥

PS. I would be glad to pray for you or for anyone you would like to pray for. Just send me an email at mae.nadayag@gmail.com for prayer requests ☺

***

To God will always be the glory! ♥