My Inner Hollow

The last month of the year officially starts this very moment. Days from now, I'll be visiting home. It's been almost a year and life has been different a year ago. But, in a span of one year, how is my progress?

Way back 2004, I became aware of her existence. Though I wasn't sure of her form, I knew there was someone inside. It was on 2005 when I acknowledged My Source of Strength. He was fighting against that inner force to defend me.

This year, that inner force has started to haunt me again. She nearly took over me which almost made me lose my whole self. This year, I realized her real form. I sort of met her face to face. She was strong. She was dreadfully strong. Her mocking laughter was horrifying. Her whispers were forceful. She was superior. I became weak and my inner hollow became the master.

Living away from home. Missing all the people who can defend me against her somehow made her stronger. She became much more powerful and I got even weaker that all I could do was cry. But my My Master never left me. Never. He has always been there with me. He cried with me when no one was there to let me pour out the pain. He hugged me when no one was there to let me feel that I am loved.

After 10 years, He brought me to the moment to finally know her. She is my pride.

"Whilst we may conquer some sins, pride will always remain a danger as long as we live. We must be constantly vigilant in our struggles to resist it. [..]

In order to move in the direction of humility, we must come to the place of real dependence on God. This involves looking at ourselves as vessels which God can fill, and through which He can pour out blessing. [..] When we are unwilling to be counted as nothing we are still giving too much weight to the container, and unwilling for God to be all.

To desire humility is to desire to be more Christ-like, and it is a desire and longing we need to express daily in prayer. How much do we pray asking God to help us put on humility? We are naturally much more inclined to pray for success and fruitfulness in our ministries than for humility. The secret working of pride in our hearts is often allowed to go on unchallenged. We are, for example, irritated when people pay little attention to us and honour someone else. That is hidden pride. We want others to think we are humble. That is hidden pride. We descend into self-pity or withdrawal when our talents or personality are not sufficiently acknowledged. That is hidden pride. All these and countless other expressions of pride can bring stagnation and death to our spiritual lives.

The lack of humility is an explanation for most our spiritual failures. If we can come to brokenness before God, and lowliness of heart, and be clothed with humility, then we can become empty vessels that God delights to fill with all His goodness and overflowing blessings. We need to pray for humility." [x]

"Let go of the pain. Give it to God. For God alone understands more than anyone the pain and humiliation you feel. Jesus felt more pain, rejection and humiliation than any person. Letting go of your hurts is often not an overnight experience. It takes time, but as you work toward it you’ll find that it is worth the effort. Ask God to give you the grace to forgive." [x]

I am obviously in an eternal struggle. Everyone is. But knowing that we all have a merciful and loving God who would always be there to pick us up when we stumble, and provide us the strength to fight against our inner hollow is enough reason to keep the progress.

This year, every corner of the earth has been a my battlefield. It has been tough and I know it will be much tougher the upcoming years. But I am in a mission to win the fight! After all, to be with Him in eternity is worth winning for. ♥

The Struggle: The Battle Between Flesh and Spirit

"If we live by the Spirit, we shall not yield to the flesh.

The way to win the struggle with the flesh is to walk by the Spirit."

Struggle.

The term that I have been using to describe this dilemma. 

January 2014. When I chose to walk through this path, I became aware of its existence. Through this book then I realized, I am indeed in a battle against my own flesh.

Prior to this journey, I was proud of myself. I loved my whole being. I was happy of who I have become. Then, I started to feel different.

I joined this game bringing with me 2 goals: Training and Growth.

But along the way, I didn't expect to meet the goalkeeper.

I was hurt. Others got hurt. I was hurt because of them. They got hurt because of me. I got hurt even more because I hurt them.

I am gravely sorry. It was never intentional. 

I may look strong but the truth is, I am broken inside.

It sounds pathetic but I really need help. 

I thirst for understanding. Because there are a lot of times when I get confused of myself.

I starve for patience. Because there are a lot of times when I hated myself.

I crave for affection. Because there are a lot of times when I no longer love myself.

For 10 months (until this very moment), I have been experiencing this.

During this whole period, I have been asking Him a lot times: 'Lord... Why?'

Sometimes, I get this kind of answers...

"How to know if you will be in heaven? ... If you sincerely struggle to please God by forgiving those who wrong you. ..." [x]

Other times... Most of time, this...

"... You do not have to forgive quickly. Take forgiveness as a journey with Jesus beside you. If right now, you still cannot say "I forgive you", it's okay. Say instead, 'Jesus help me to say "I forgive you" one day.' ..." [x]

I feel bad about myself.

And His answers never fail to comfort me.

I am struggling. I really am. 

But the amazing thing about this is I am experiencing it with Him. It feels like a curse when I am being attacked by the flesh; yet I find it a blessing because I am fighting this battle together with the Holy Spirit.

I'm gonna win. I will win ☺ ♥

(pray for me?)

MY Mama in Progress

Yep, the title is very straightforward. This post is for me to remind myself that God has answered my a-very-long-time-ago prayer.

MY Mama in Progress...

Mama didn't finish college because of financial reasons. She had to work and become independent in a very early age. Thinking about the difference of our childhood and teenage lives, I kind of feel ashamed of myself, proud of her, and grateful for her and Papa at the same time.

Mama, since Kuya was born, was a plain housewife. But, as someone who has been used to working since she was young, she inserted "part-time" jobs while being a full-time wife and mother.

If my memory serves me well...
1. She had her sari-sari store in front of our house
2. She became an AVON dealer
3. She sold ice, ice candy, Binangkal - OH YES! I REMEMBER THIS! I was her assistant cook ☺♥
4. She sold different sorts of "viands" - lol, what English word iz thizzzzz BASTA OYY! SUD-AN XD
5. She studied tailoring and later then accepted tailoring orders
6. She cooked and sold Tabirak in our school
7. She became a "cellphone loader"
8. She had a "buy-and-sell-slash-pautang" business (bags, clothes, slippers, umbrella, trinkets, dried fish)
9. And recently, she has her Paluwagan - not really sure about the term though. But it's sort of a small cooperative where people invest and loan money. Yep, she's the collector, she's the manager, she's the head.

Papa is really strict. He would prefer Mama to stay home and look after us. I don't know but I somehow felt that Mama wanted to do something more than that. And so there were times when I really felt sorry for her. Right then I started praying to God that she could find something to keep her busy aside from doing the household chores - something that could give her a different kind of self-worth.

It's been 2 weeks since the last time we talked over the phone. She has no idea what I went through. I actually didn't call her since I was in my "hollow form" again. It was probably a month before I left Iligan when I started sharing my deepest thoughts with her. Nine months ago when I came here in Cebu, she has always been my confidante. At times when I am down, without her knowledge, her one text would always save me from depression. The last 2 weeks' dilemma is I think the first one that I intentionally missed to share with her. I just didn't feel like dragging her again into my problem and letting her worry; though, she would always sound very understanding and comforting. But I'm fine now and so I was ready to talk with her with my lively voice.

Then we had our 1 hour conversation. Just like the usual, updating each other about my work, my independent life here, the happenings and everyone at home, Abbie's school, and a lot of random things. But the topic that probably took half of the whole conversation was her Paluwagan. Yep, it's HER cooperative. Though it's still small and starting, I feel very happy for her. In the middle of the conversation, as she was cheerfully sharing her experiences, I remembered that I actually prayed for this. God has finally answered my prayer :') ♥

Though I am away and not able to witness how she gracefully does her job, I am sooooooooo happy for MY Mama... MY Mama with emphasis because I am really really REALLY  proud of her :') ♥

I miss home. But talking with her make me miss home more and less at the same time.
Thank you Ma ♥

Hearts all over~~ ♥♥♥
Yay~~! ^^♥

PS. Need to wake up at 5AM later. It's already 12.39 but I just have to post this. My heart says so ♥
PPS. This needs a photo but my external HD is broken. Will upload next time XD

It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense...

"We are freed from passion and anger, with which we allow our injuries to imprison us, by the transforming power of forgiveness. We forgive in Christ, and in Christ we regain the peace and serenity that were robbed from us when we failed to forgive." (x)

Special Update :)

A very special post after the longest time dedicated to my ultimate blog reader. HA! :P

You know that I didn’t forget your birthday yesterday, right?

Happy Belated Birthday, Mahal! ♥

You know how much you’ve grown? (Not speaking about the height though :P) I can still remember your Facebook statuses slash rants, indirectly pertaining to us. But now, you’re someone we can all easily call and rely on... in spite of being a bus, ship, plane-away.

Thank you. Thank you cuz I know you’re always there.

I know you’re still the sensitive Jeinalisa that we all know. Please don’t change. Please nurture your sensitivity. Embrace it cuz that’s one of the things that I love about you. It may tend to be a curse sometimes, but I believe it’s a gift. You are one of the few people that I know who can feel things without too much words being said.

Remember our promise? I am still hoping God will allow me to do it with you. In the meantime, let’s do our responsibilities as ‘Ate’ ☺ When things get stable, let’s do it together, okay? Someday Mahal, someday ♥

Though things are uncertain, I wish to be your friend forever. In this temporary world, change is inevitable. People change, so as friendship. I hope when our friendship would change, it’s for the better.

Happy Birthday Mahal! Until our next date ♥ 

Aylabyooooo! Virtual koala hugggggg~ ^.^

Better Mae... Coming Soon! ☺

This is probably the last post of the month, for the next month, and so on. I'm not certain when will I be sharing my progress again, my rants, or my random thoughts. 

Going to Cebu hours from now in God's will.
And I feel nervous. Cuz I know I will be experiencing different kinds of emotions.
But at the same time, I am excited. Cuz I want and badly need this!!! ...for myself.

As selfish as it may sound, I am doing this for myself.
For my training. For my growth. For my betterment.

I believe God has the best plans.
Allowing me to take this path tells me that I am for a certain purpose.
From this, I will be giving pain to those who love me and much more to myself.
But I know it will be all worth it.

Let's loosen up and get out from those depressing thoughts.
I shall return!

With a better Mae ☺

Mae In Progress Chapter 1: RAWR

The "New Year" post...
It's actually about THIS DAY... My last day on my first job.

The story all started on "Independence Day". The time when I was fighting against a horrible pain. And I must say, my first job somewhat saved me from that. With an angel's help, I was able to say "I AM OKAY".

Days, weeks... I finally found my corner at the office. Although there were a lot of times when I felt like a pathetic person who seemed to blame my impractical 4 years of training in college, I must admit, I learned a lot of things.

There may be a lot of times when I felt pressured and stressed out...
But then, I enjoy E V E R Y T H I N G.

What's your weakness? He asked me during my interview. I am a VERY SENSITIVE person. I tend to work according to my emotions. My output usually reflects my feelings. If I am not happy with what I am doing, I deliver a substandard product.

As a fresh graduate, I sometimes if not most of the time feel inferior. It's like, there's a thirst on applying everything that you've learned from the university. And when I was not given the opportunity to fully show what I've got, I get to feel useless. And I believe my feelings are acceptable.

I quit because I felt it was unfair. It's unfair that I am given such huge trust even if I am not yet capable enough to do all the task. It's unfair that I am giving the best of my ability, even surpassing my limits, and praised because of that yet feel like I am useless.

As much as I hate the idea of "leaving", I aim to improve myself.
Training and growth. Two things that I am hoping to experience for the coming months.

It was a VERY HARD decision.

But thank you Sir. Thank you for not making it hard for me to leave. Thank you for an amazing last week. Thank you for wishing me well.

Thank you because after 6 months, in the end, I regret nothing.

I may ended last year with a terrified heart... But this time, I am so excited to experience all the worst and best things in life!

Off to a great adventure~ RAWR!!

PS. with emphasis...
GOD IS THE BEST IN GIVING AWESOME SURPRISES!! ^^ Don't be a spoiler if you want to be awesomely surprised. Just trust me trust Him... He is soooooo good at it. His plans are the best! ;)

PPS.
Mama, Kathy, Sharmagne, Mahal, ZUMATZ... Thank you for being a great part of this journey ♥

New Year

Am I allowed to start this year with a sad post? Meh...

I was actually happy throughout the day until the clock strikes at 12; with all the fireworks and noise, there are a lot of things I look forward to every new year. But... 

Okay. So sad to continue typing.
UGGGGHHHH
WHAT'S WRONG MAE!!!!
T.T

Terrified.
Please pray for my soul :(

PS. Still... Happy New Year!