The Struggle: The Battle Between Flesh and Spirit

"If we live by the Spirit, we shall not yield to the flesh.

The way to win the struggle with the flesh is to walk by the Spirit."

Struggle.

The term that I have been using to describe this dilemma. 

January 2014. When I chose to walk through this path, I became aware of its existence. Through this book then I realized, I am indeed in a battle against my own flesh.

Prior to this journey, I was proud of myself. I loved my whole being. I was happy of who I have become. Then, I started to feel different.

I joined this game bringing with me 2 goals: Training and Growth.

But along the way, I didn't expect to meet the goalkeeper.

I was hurt. Others got hurt. I was hurt because of them. They got hurt because of me. I got hurt even more because I hurt them.

I am gravely sorry. It was never intentional. 

I may look strong but the truth is, I am broken inside.

It sounds pathetic but I really need help. 

I thirst for understanding. Because there are a lot of times when I get confused of myself.

I starve for patience. Because there are a lot of times when I hated myself.

I crave for affection. Because there are a lot of times when I no longer love myself.

For 10 months (until this very moment), I have been experiencing this.

During this whole period, I have been asking Him a lot times: 'Lord... Why?'

Sometimes, I get this kind of answers...

"How to know if you will be in heaven? ... If you sincerely struggle to please God by forgiving those who wrong you. ..." [x]

Other times... Most of time, this...

"... You do not have to forgive quickly. Take forgiveness as a journey with Jesus beside you. If right now, you still cannot say "I forgive you", it's okay. Say instead, 'Jesus help me to say "I forgive you" one day.' ..." [x]

I feel bad about myself.

And His answers never fail to comfort me.

I am struggling. I really am. 

But the amazing thing about this is I am experiencing it with Him. It feels like a curse when I am being attacked by the flesh; yet I find it a blessing because I am fighting this battle together with the Holy Spirit.

I'm gonna win. I will win ☺ ♥

(pray for me?)