He never sleeps...

The past few days have been heavy.

I processed Papa's retirement papers so I had to travel to his workplace back and forth in a total of 4-5 hours.

I worked at 10pm until 5am. Thank God for understanding manager who allowed to adjust my working schedules for my current situation.

After my shift, I had to prepare to catch the bus at 5:30am. During my first trip, it got very overwhelming. I was alone, as if I was in Papa's shoes, travelling to work. It was just Day-1, but I felt his journey for 30 years.

Papa was loved by his workmates. They were kind and treated me well. Almost all the people I met knew him and asked about how he's doing. I felt their concerns and sympathy. I was thankful for them and felt proud, Papa is a good man.

I went home and felt tired. Could it be because of the lack of sleep? Or could it be because I got a glimpse of Papa's daily grind? I wish I massaged his legs and back when he's home. I wish I spent time asking him how was his day. I wish I understood him when I was younger.

The past few days have been heavy.

Hearty asked me today, "are you still praying everyday?"

I didn't answer.

I actually have stopped praying. 

I don't know what to pray anymore. It's been very heavy that it's hard to collect my thoughts.

But today, God talked to me... I'm still up at 1:40am, trying to catch up with my backlogs at work. But here He is, talking to me...

When you've prayed every prayer

That you know how to pray

Just remember the Lord will hear

And the answer is on its way

Our God is able

He is mighty

He is faithful

 

(And) He never sleeps He never slumbers

He never tires of hearing our prayer

When we are weak He becomes stronger

So rest in His love and cast all of your cares

On Him

Father, thank You. Please fill my heart with joy despite the pain.

- Mae ☺ ♥

Second Chance

Lord God, please give us a second chance...

I remember praying before that if I need to get sick to heal our family, so be it.

Father, I trust in Your divine plan.

It hurts, I didn't pray for Papa to experience this. In fact, I asked you not to make this happen.

It hurts, seeing him struggle.

It hurts, not seeing him but hearing stories how he struggled.

Father, please give us another chance.

Please heal Papa and heal our family, in the name of Jesus, Your Son, our Lord and Savior.

Pa, I love you. Hang in there. God heals. 🙏💙

We're here to bless your name

Gathered as your family

To praise You and proclaim

Your faithfulness and mercy

And we give You glory

We give You honour

We give You everything we are

Liftin' our hearts and hands before You

We give You glory

- Mae ☺ ♥

Choose your battles wisely...

"Do not defend yourselves, dearest ones. 

Instead, step aside from wrath. 

For it is written: 'Vengeance is mine. I shall give retribution, says the Lord'" 

- Romans 12:19 

I 'randomly' read this verse when I was in high school and it meant very simple by then, "do not avenge, God will do it for you". 

Recently, I somehow experienced injustice, and my loved ones defended me without my knowledge at first. I knew about it eventually which made me feel thankful but at the same time angry. I thought at first how I can stop the injustice, but it was very exhausting. I prayed to God instead as I wanted to be free from anger and pain. The Holy Spirit reminded me with God's word, and I prayed even harder. 

In the end, I chose not to take the battle to protect my inner peace and offered it all to God instead - believing that the Lord is my ultimate defender. 

Since then, I experience God's gift of inner peace. 

God's word doesn't just tell us to step back and let Him take the battle. But it somehow gives us a promise of inner peace which allows us to receive more blessings so we can focus on what's more important. 

@JemimahRamos

To God be the glory. ♥

A Thousand-Mile Journey

Today, I shared to a dear friend the reason why I resigned from my almost 6-year job as a Technical Manager and PH Team Leader.

After that quick conversation, I thought that I felt a little lighter. 

A heavy weight was lifted off my chest.

"You wanted to know when are you totally healed?

It's when you already have the courage to share that painful story of yours without aching but praising God that He allowed it to happen, because you've been finally set free."

- Blooming While Waiting

June 30, 2021 was my last day at office. I felt so much pain and bitterness since then that I have been constantly asking the Lord to heal me. 

Seeing this post in my Facebook feed after talking to my friend today, I praise the Lord as it reminded me that I am healed and He is my healer.

Three months ago, after getting the "freedom", I was thinking of writing all my emotions out here to take it out. But a part of me didn't want to relive the memories again. I was afraid to be more in pain.

But today, it's a different story. My heart is full of so much joy, filled by the Lord's mercy and grace.

I am writing this to relive the memories. To remind myself that the Lord is faithful and amazing. He is my ultimate source and healer.

---

Sep 9, 2015:

I started my journey as a Junior Developer for a Trading-Manufacturing company based in China that has an office in PH in an online job setup.

Fast forward... it was fulfilling, full of surprises and thrill, mix of drama and laughter. 

Within the 6 years, I took different roles such as HR, Admin, Project Manager and Accounting Manager to fulfill my responsibility as a Technical Manager and PH Team Leader.

In between, people would ask...

"are you happy?"

"why are you still there?"

"don't you want to quit?"

I was happy, yes. 

I stayed because I knew it was a place God has prepared for me. 

To quit, yes, I wanted to so many times. But, going back to why I was there, regardless if I was happy at that moment or not, I chose to stay for the same reason.

Doing something for the Lord - be it creating a report, helping a teammate on her personal problem, or washing the dishes - just by constantly inviting Him in everything, the inner joy was the fruit of that labor. Work turned to worship, that fueled me to push more. 

However, things have gone very rough as years went by. 

Jan 19, 2021:

I officially told my CEO through a video call that I wanted to resign because I was exhausted. 

It was before Chinese New Year holiday, and I told him that I can think it over again during the 2-week holiday to take a rest and see if my decision will change.

Feb 24, 2021:

I talked to my CEO for my decision and I sent out my resignation letter after that.

I rendered my turnover after to complete my pending projects, closed and transferred my HR/Admin accounts, and looked for people to hire so the operation can go on.

Jun 27, 2021:

My CEO planned a farewell party, and my amazing team prepared and did it with a blast. I felt thankful but I knew in my heart, something was off. 

Something was heavy.

Jun 30, 2021:

I sent my last "out" and officially signed off with a deep breath.

---

Looking back, I just felt happy and thankful for the Lord who sustained me in my journey, who allowed me to take part on His plan, who wrapped my character with lessons and experiences and who blessed me with a strong and loving partner, supportive family and relatives, understanding friends, and random strangers turned to angels.

Although I know at some point, I hurt few people that I didn't get a chance to reconcile with. I am hoping that we can forgive each other, get healed and move on. And maybe one day, when we bump into each other, we can laugh everything off.

It was quite a rough ride, but I am definitely thankful for the "thousand-mile" journey. 

Today, it has been two months since the Lord has blessed me with a new job as a Project Coordinator for an ecommerce provider based in California. I also get some time to help my cousin as an IT Consultant for her retail and wholesale company based in Naawan and Initao. 

This new chapter allows me to open my eyes to more opportunities, to dream bigger while spending more time with my loved ones, and to choose love over any worldly treasure.

As my colleague said, "work or money is our resource, but the Lord is our ultimate source". 

---

"Sometimes your greatest testimony is that you went through the fire, but you don't even smell like smoke. And sometimes, sometimes the lingering scent of smoke is your testimony - a reminder to all that even in the hottest fire, God protected you from the flames. Either way, God is with you and all the glory belongs to Him alone." 

- Glaiza, Lottie, Bespren 

(taken from the sweet notes of my amazing team)

“He turned my sadness into gladness, He turned my sorrow into joy.” 

Psalm 30:11-12

To God be the glory ☺♥

Gift

It has been a while since the last time.
And same as the previous times, I came here again to try to pour out an overwhelming emotions that occupy my heart. Hoping it can at least keep it calm.

It is 2020. A new year, new beginning.

To some up the years that went by without writing it all here, it was tough... but sweet.

Looking back, I never thought I would be who I am today.
I was pursuing Him, at the same time, entrusting and letting Him do as He will.

Nohing much has changed. I am still here.
But just middle of last year, He gave me a 'gift'.

I was caught off guard. Everything went by so fast.

And I know the gift was from Him.

I understood how He prepared me to receive the gift.
I understood how He wrapped the gift perfectly well.
I understood how He brought us at the right time together.

But it is a bit painful.
It hurts as I cannot just share the precious gift to everyone.
They will not understand my whole journey.
Nobody really saw everything except Him.

Father, thank You.

Thank You for always reminding me about Your love for me through 'her'.

Altough it is painful, thank You for making it extra sweet.

I may feel sad for now as I want to share her so bad, but I will continue to wait.

I will wait same as the other years.
I will wait for your better plans and right timing.

Thank You because the sadness makes it more special.

It is between me, You and her.

Before, when I cry, it is just You who would see all.
And I will ask You to hug me while I cry.

Today, I can really feel Your hug.
Your loving hug wrapped though her gentle and comforting arms.

Thank You, Father.

Thank You for wrapping Your gift of love.

I will continue to serve You with her.
Please help us to fulfill Your will.
Sustain us every day so we can accomplish the tasks that You have assigned to us. 
Help us so we can be the best that You want us to be for others and for each other.

❤️

~

Ikuzo, 'Zangetsu'! 

Thank you for always being there. Thank your for helping me to overcome my inner hollow. Thank you for giving me your 'strength'. 

When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes [...] 
I'll be your strength I'll give you hope 
Keping your faith when it's gone 
The one you should call 
Was standing there all along 

And I will take you in my arms 
And hold you right where you belong 
Til' the day my life is through 
This I promise you [...] 

I give you my word
I give you my heart 
This is a battle we've won 
And with this vow 
Forever has now begun 

Happy New Year Lalaaab ❤️

I do not really believe in promises, but let us continue to pray that He will allow us to be together forever, taman sa guyuron na tika kay intawun ang tuhod 😁😅

Wait...

Last weekend, I made a "small" mistake which made a BIG impact in my current journey.

As HR, I would always feel bad when a staff quits in a middle of a problem or struggle.
I believe it is normal also to think that way. It is normal to find the quick fix of the problem.
And that quick fix is to quit, leading to a different path after.

Reflecting on my 2 years and 7 months in this current journey that I am in,
I know that the Lord is leading me to something that he has been planning.
As His struggling faithful servant (that I continuously strive to live by), I offered myself for the fulfillment of His plan.

I don't want to quit just because I am exhausted.
My God is bigger than the pain, and He will rescue me and He will find a way.

He said "No", and I humbly followed, even if it was very painful.
Self-denial. He is teaching me to become humble.
And because of my prideful nature, I am struggling.

But I believe my God is a faithful god. He is loving, He is merciful.
And He always keeps His promises.

I will forever cling onto that fact as I struggle in this current path.
For I know, the Holy Spirit reveals in my heart, my God has the best plans for me.

Father, I will wait.. Help me not to cry too much as I wait.
Help me to be genuinely joyful.
Guard my fragile heart.
Help me to focus on Your mercy.
Provide me the everyday graces that I need.

Take my lunch, for the fulfillment of Your plan.

Epaphras, the Servant of Christ Jesus

"Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. 

He is always wrestling in prayer for you, 

that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. 

I vouch for him that he is working hard for you and for those at Laodicea and Hierapolis."

- Colossians 4:12-13

Yesterday, I poured out my frustrations to my boss.

As HR, he considers me as someone who he can casually call to throw his tantrums.
This was our agreement to protect the people.
But yesterday was different, he did the favour for me, I throw the "shit" on him, and he listened.

Today, God answered me very clearly.

Pouring out all my emotions to others is never easy. Usually, I will feel good for a moment, but would feel bad for a very long time.
This year, I set up my resolve and one of it is to control my emotions and not to pour it all out to anyone but God. And I just broke that after the conversation with my boss.

The conversation was not bad, it was actually very good. But it was bothering me since last night.

Today, God talked to me very deeply.

Be like Epaphras.

There will be battles. A lot of battles.
Like Epaphras, we need to wrestle with the dark forces through prayers.
To fervently pray always. To offer all frustrations and worries up to Him.
Because the power of prayer is not on the one who says it, but on the one who listens to it.

The power of prayer is in God. In your faith in Him.

Trusting Him that He is in control.
So you continue to give your best as you pray for the people.
Not to give up, and continue to love His people, because they are His people, and He loves them.
Love them because you love Him.

Today, I want to remind myself of His strong message to me.
Continue to fight, Mae. Be like Epaphras, through Jesus. All for His greater glory.