I am not comfortable with compliments; but this time, it feels a little different.
It feels overwhelming. It feels amazing.
A question was raised to me weeks ago,
"What do you want to do in the future?"
Though it is a common one and was always asked during school days, it made me think about it.
I don't really have the exact plans, to be honest.
When I was young, I wanted to become a teacher. But when I was about to apply for university, I chose a different path. A year of debit and credit in BS Accountancy and 4 years of designing, coding and debugging in BS Information Technology.
Almost 2 years after receiving my diploma, today, I have received a major compliment.
Modesty aside, I trust my logic. On the contrary, I don't have confidence on my knowledge and skills. During college, I was actually in awe that I could program and enjoy doing it. Although sometimes, my proud self would feel insecure when I didn't know a certain language or platform.
My last system, a web application, before graduation left a scar in my programmer self. I graduated with fears, with low self-esteem, with no confidence of my programming skills. As a Multimedia Systems major, I held on my designing skills to venture out to the real world. I am not confident with my designing skills either. But I had no choice.
I was hired. On my first job, I was hired as a Web Developer. It was terrifying. I didn't want... Or maybe, I was
afraid to program. But I accepted the job for some reasons. I was maybe hired as a Web Developer but my workload was more on designing and project management. I enjoyed it but at the same time, I was actually hoping for a project that would allow me to fight my fears. But unfortunately, the right project didn't came. Everything was about designing and project management; no programming.
I resigned and was hired. On my second job, I was hired as a
Senior Web Developer/Designer. It was
more terrifying. It was 6 months after graduation and I was given such position. It was overwhelming. Fears of managing junior developers and designers with my limited knowledge and skills were all over me. But then again, I accepted the job for some reasons. It was tough during the first months but eventually got better. But still, there was no programming project. Everything was WordPress, designing and project management.
After 5 months, I was outsourced. I was outsourced for a Web Developer position. PHP, jQuery, Ajax, Javascript, MSSQL... I was outsourced for those requirements.
Chills.
The programming project that I was waiting for finally came. But I was scared. Out of the mentioned requirements, I was only confident on PHP, I have a little knowledge on Javascript, and I have
no experience in jQuery, Ajax, and MSSQL. I was insecure. I was about to go beyond my comfort zone. I was about to face
my fears with additional unfamiliar fears. But still, my company sent me out.
After 11 months of fighting all the fears, I can finally say that I have defeated them. Today, I realized that I already won the battle. But I am in a continuous fight against a new set of unfamiliar fears.
I am still scared but this time, I already have confidence. I am afraid of how hard the new challenges would be but I am confident that I can do it. If not, I know that in the end, I'm gonna learn something; I'm still gonna win.
Almost 2 years after graduation, I still consider myself a "fresh graduate". I am still lacking and needs a lot of experience. But everyday is a new opportunity to learn. Everyday is a new opportunity to grow. Everyday is a new opportunity to defeat a fear.
Everyday is a new opportunity to win.
Started with so much fears, I worked my butt off real hard silently. I am not comfortable with compliments. But today, my project leader said
"Thank you for what you did. We all like it!" It feels a little different. It was like my mentor validating my win over my fears.
Life here is tough but this kind of progress wants me to stay longer.
Thank you Sir... That was not an April Fools' joke, right? HAHA Thank you... You have no idea.
To God be the glory.
PS. I still don't have the exact plans for the future but I am happy with where I am heading. And so, when I was asked about
"What do you want to do in the future?", I answered
"It depends on God's plan, I am ready and excited for anything."
