Silence means I am NOT okay.

I have genuine gestures. What you see is what you get.
Don't listen to my words when I am down. What you hear is usually not the truth.

I don't go wild when I am angry. I even hate explaining myself during those times. I opt to be quiet and suppress all the negative emotions (which, I know, is bad T_T). From a very loud and fun-loving person, being silent obviously means something's wrong. So please quit asking. Questions such as "are you ok" and "what's wrong" can worsen my inner struggles.

Sorry for those I mistreated and who got bothered by my mood swings.

I talk happily then become silent again. I try to wander or sleep, go back or wake up to talk about something, and then wander or sleep again. I am not being weird. That's actually my way of trying to be okay... But in the end, will always fail.

Don't worsen the situation by keeping yourself away from me. Please don't be afraid, I don't bite. You can always act cool and talk to me just like the usual. Don't mind my cold response.. Just please keep talking.. Until I win myself back. This, so far, is the only method that really works.

I am sincerely sorry. Please be patient. I am fighting against my hollow form T_T



PS. I posted this up to make my actions clear. I usually can't talk about this in person. So, if by any chance you get to read this, please don't bring this up to me during our conversation.

Her Story. My Story.

I just watched this.

Got inspired.. and posted a comment.

Tweeted.

And then this!

Christine Chen said she can't wait to hear my story.

Made me smile feel the butterflies.

One day. Soon.

I'm looking forward to hearing my story as well.

Cuz at this very moment, things are still vague...

Everything's still in progress.

On a fangirling note, this just made my day! ^^ 

Christine is such a sweetie <3

Distance is healthy.

When you're far from each other, you'll forget that you once hated that person and realize how you miss him/her instead.

Hero - Hangeng

The harder the battle, the more you must fight.

The more improbable the wish, the more you must want it.

No one can stop you. Go forward.

Your power is much more than what you think.

Desire is strength.

Don’t be afraid to challenge again.

No matter how many more hardships, bring them forward.

Today defeats yesterday. Go forward.

Being wounded is a release, don’t regret it.

You have to believe you are your own hero. 

Badly need this right now T.T

Fangirling Reminder: Don't Ruin Your Life

Since the day when I graduated from college, I've been dealing with this dilemma.

I've been a "fangirl" since second year high school. By "fangirl", I mean, being passionate about something or supporting someone. Basketball, Arwind Santos, Anime, Bleach, Youtube, Wong Fu Productions, KPOP, Super Junior... And who knows, another fandom might welcome me in the future.

But I've been thinking, I should minimize this, if not totally stop it. Fangirling. Ever since I started doing it, I have been asking Him what is this for. Every time I get happy because of it, there's always a doubt in my mind... "Am I really allowed to feel this way?" Every time I fangirl hard (searching over the internet, making stuff and investing a lot of time and effort on anything related to fangirling), I always ask... "Isn't this too much?" But I continue... and become happy.

Fangirling actually transformed me into a better person (there's a long story about it, gonna talk about it maybe sometime in the future). It even allowed me to gain new friends and restore broken friendships. It saved me from stress and depression. It helped me to become a happier person.

But fangirling also has A LOT of cons. It is the main source of procrastination. It hinders you from doing what you really have to do. It destructs your sleeping time (today is the exact example of this). It is hazardous to your cells. It slowly transforms you into a lazy sloth. Etc. Etc. Etc.

On top of all that, being a fangirl seems to be like living a life in a dreamland. It is not part of reality.

Fangirl. In real life, that job does not exist. You can't live with that alone. You won't make a living. A company will not pay you for asdfghjkl-ing. It is a voluntary job. You work not for money nor fame, rather for the expression of your passion and adoration - which would always result to happiness (though some other time, heartbreaks as well).

But Super Junior's Kim Heechul just allowed me to look at it better...

"Oppa, you've changed my future. Because of you, I paid more attention to showbiz and now I'm working in an events company." 

I feel fulfilled when I read messages like that. It feels like I brought you up. Brought up these little kids... When fans say, "Oppa, I'm getting married.", "Oppa, I'm doing this/that job.", "Oppa, I've entered university."... I feel really happy.  

Fans who watch us grow will think: That fella, I buy his albums, watch his shows. I brought him up. His house, his car... all bought with my money. 

But what are you going to do if your obsession gets too deep and affects your future? Because of this, I've been very worried. 

I said this when I just debuted,... "Although I'm grateful that you like me, I can't be responsible for your life." I lost half of my fanbase because of this statement. 

But I've never ever regretted saying that. Because rather than fans saying, "My life is ruined because of Oppa.", "Because of stunning Kim Heechul, my life is ruined."... 

I'd rather hear, "Because of stunning Oppa, I found a job in showbiz event planning.", I found myself a good boyfriend." 

Talking about all these, I'm about to cry. This is the relationship between celebrities and fans. When I see all these... *sigh* 

Not long ago, when my fan got married, I was talking to my mother on the phone about it, bringing it up when chatting with the members, it feels really good. 

If fangirling is a job.... But it is not. I must accept it and live my life.

Until now, I might not get it yet. But hopefully, someday, He can allow me see the whole picture... Why I came to be this way. In the meantime.... MUST. FIND. A. REAL. JOB.

Don't ruin your life. Whew! FIGHTING~ ♥

Btw, job hunting in progress with these awesome fellas right here...

Pray for us, maybe? ^^

Awesome GOD

He knows exactly what I need, when I need it... 

Even if I was too shy that I never asked for it. 

High five! We have an awesome God ♥

Was worried about something but there's this voice inside which kept on telling me that everything will be okay.. He will make a way. 

I like surprises. But I like imagining things as much as I like surprises. That's why, I never get surprised easily. People setting up surprises for me usually get busted. Though, I don't tell them and just act surprised for the sake of not spoiling them. Act surprised to render back the gratitude because I know how it feels, taking it from my "surprise organizer" self. But that Big Guy up there... Tsk. He is just the best.

I have been thinking about how to solve my problem... No, how He would solve my problem. But I never came up with a scenario of how He would do it. Instead, just left it all to Him. Because like I said, I know that He has his own ways.

And yes, He (for the nth time) never failed me.

I actually didn't ask Him to solve it for me. But that voice told me that even if I wouldn't ask, He will be there to clean my mess. Yes, He has always been like that. And I am a brat I am a sinner who is well loved.

Posting this up to celebrate his love. Yes, indeed.. We have an awesome God.